


Lex Luthor's Par-Tay

by kirana



Category: Smallville
Genre: Humour, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-02-14
Updated: 2006-02-14
Packaged: 2017-10-02 21:00:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,607
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10674
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kirana/pseuds/kirana
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Poor Lex is so drunk, but why? Could it be because Clark is (gasp) straight? No, that is far too playpen . . . polypen . . . Peloponnesian . . . . You know. Common. Far too common a reason for Lex to drink himself stupid.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lex Luthor's Par-Tay

        Lex stared at the glass in his hand for the longest time, mesmerised by the slow motions of the alcohol within. It crept up and down the sides of the glass. He stifled a giggle and shook the glass a bit. A bit too hard, that is.  
        "Dammit," he said mournfully, staring at the wet spots on his pants. And his chair. And the floor. "Whadda waste've p'rfectly good . . . thing. Stuff. y'know, feel-good stuff. Celes . . . celibate . . . salubrious . . . celosia . . . ." He scowled. "Dammit. Party-drink. _You_ know." He snorted into the glass as he tried to hold it steady enough to sip from. "'M not celibate. Farthest thing, really."  
        Except not lately. Lately, he'd been disturbingly . . . selfless. He'd kept his diamond earrings to _himself_, thankyouverymuch. He raised a hand suddenly, accidentally knocking himself in the ear, but it turned out all right, he still had them in. He almost wished for a mirror, so he could see how _pretty_ he looked. Heh, this way, at least he was fairly sure _ahead_ of time he wouldn't be out to kill himself.  
        "'Cause that would be _stupid_," he told his drink. "Embezzle . . impassable . . . impeccable." He sighed and roll his eyes. "Stupid. _You_ know."  
        It was becoming obvious his mental facilities were leaving him. He decided another drink was in order.  
        And then he had the _best_ idea. _Ever_.  
        In fits and starts, he managed to push himself off the chair, away from the table, and then upright. "Ladies and gennelmen, a toast!" He _tried_ for a ringing tone. but the acoustics in this room were just pathetic, really. The room made him sound like he was mumbling. _And_ slurring his words, which was a big no-no. He giggled. He thought no-no! Wait, he was doing something, wasn't he? Ah, yes. "A toast! To Clark's cock!" He raised his glass high. "May it be as gay as the rest of him!" He paused for dramatic effect. "Oh, wait! _It is_!" He downed his drink in honour of the toast. Or tried to. Frowning, he shook the glass, then held it upside down so he could, y'know, make _sure_ there was nothing left. He yelped when a drop fell in his eye.  
        "Lex? You okay in there?"  
        Lex brightened. Now the party could _really_ start. "Clark, you're here!" He spun around, hoping to catch sight of his best friend, but that, alas, was a bad idea. It seemed once he started spinning, he wasn't able to stop. "Clark?"  
        A warm hand caught hold of his elbow and steadied him. "Lex, are you _drunk_?"  
        Shit, was there no fooling the kid? Except, no. Not a kid anymore. He blinked as the world slowly stopped spinning. "Of course I'm not drunk," he said with immense dignity. "I am completely _blotto_." He took a sip from his glass, momentarily forgetting it was empty. "There's a difference."  
        "Lex," Clark said after a pause, "that glass _is_ empty, you know."  
        Lex glared at him. "I know. I was, in fact, on my way to top it up when you so rudely interrupted me."  
        "If I hadn't interrupted you, you would have fallen and, given your condition, far too likely to say, 'Help! I've fallen and I can't get up!' and giggle madly."  
        Lex rolled his eyes. Clark really had no idea, did he? "Please. I would never stoop so low as to use such a playpen . . . polypen . . . Peloponnesian . . . ." He scowled and rallied. "Such a _common_ saying. _You_ know."  
        He heard Clark snort. "Yeah, right." He let the boy—man!—take hold of his elbow and gently steer him around the room. Until, of course, he noticed Clark was steering him _away_ from the alcohol. He yelped and jerked himself free, stumbling back a few steps as his sense of balance tried—and nearly failed—to compensate. Then he tried to make a beeline for the bar.  
        It didn't work.  
        He found himself, inexplicably, facing Clark again. He frowned and peered around him. No, not there. He turned around. How had the bar snuck around behind him?  
        "Okay, before, I thought maybe you'd had too much to drink," Clark said, gently taking his arm and coaxing him to move, "but now I know for _sure_. Let's get you into bed, 'mkay?"  
        Lex brightened. That sounded, in fact, _brilliant_. He tried a leer out on Clark. "And what will you do with me then, vile soothsayer . . . sightseer . . . Switzerland . . . ." He narrowed his eyes. "_You_ know."  
        "Well, first, I guess I'll take off your clothes," Clark said, apparently oblivious to the expert seduction thing Lex had going for him. Somehow, Lex found out when he looked around again, they'd managed to stagger their way to his bedroom. Funny, he'd always meant to take Clark up to his bedroom. Yeah, his seductive plan of evil was working!  
        "If you want it, here it is," he sang, making coy eyes at Clark. Who had paused in the act of undoing his pants. He decided a demonstration was in order. "Come and get it" was accompanied by the oh-so-subtle bracket of hands around a key piece of anatomy. He hummed, enjoying the shell-shocked look on Clark's face. "Make your mind up fast. If you want it, anytime," with some really hot movement of the eyebrows, girls had been falling for him all over the place since he'd learned how to do that. And then it was time for the piece de resistance: the dreaded Sad Eyes (patent pending, just as soon as he cajoled the method for them out of Clark). "Will you walk away from a fool and his money?"  
        Incredibly, this did not, in fact, make Clark hard. _In fact_, it made him soften, considerably so, until he was hovering over Lex's face like he could fly or something with these incredibly soft eyes and a weird, dopey smile on his face. Lex made a note to get his seduction skills checked right away. Obviously, they were atrophying due to lack of use.  
        "Lex, I don't need your money, but _I'd_ be a fool to walk away from you," Clark murmured, his heated breath hitting Lex's lips and making him painfully conscious of how close they were and yet, _how bleeding far_. Maybe he wouldn't have to have his seductive skills checked out, not if they got him a Clark over him, looking at him like that.  
        "Clark, stay with me?" he asked, stealthily wrapping his arms around the man on top of him.  
        Clark chuckled softly. "I don't think that would be a good idea."  
        Lex pouted. "Why noooooooot?" he whined. "I can be good," he insisted. "I am, in fact, well-practised in the art of self-respect . . . silver state . . . silver-tongued . . . . _You_ know."  
        Clark laughed again. "Yeah, but you're kinda drunk right now."  
        "You kissed me!"  
        Clark blushed. "Yeah, and then I come here and find you drunk out of your little gourd. What's up with that, Lex?" Uh-oh. Lex wasn't so far gone he couldn't see the hurt in Clark's eyes.  
        He sniffed. "My _gourd_ is hardly _small_," he said deliberately and added in another leer for good measure. "And I was _celibating_."  
        Clark's forehead wrinkled. "Did you mean 'celebrating'?"  
        Lex sniffed again. "_And_ celibating. I've been a _good_ little girl for a long time, you know."  
        Clark gave him an uncertain look. "Yeah, now that you mention it, those diamond earrings . . . ?"  
        Lex brightened and pushed Clark off of him so he could sit up and scoot over to where he could see himself in the mirror. Yeah, he still had them. Then he turned a scornful look on Clark. "I can hardly break up with myself," he told the brunet. "The way I see it, this is the safest place for them. Plotting against myself is soooooo ten minutes ago, don't you think?"  
        Clark shook his head. "I can't believe you just said that."  
        "Well, you'd _better_," Lex said emphatically. "'Cause I _did_. Now, will you get over here and kiss me or do I have to go to you?"  
        "Well, first you have to tell me about the earrings."  
        Lex huffed. Clark really _was_ no fun. "Fine," he said with exaggerated calmness. "I had a pair of diamond earrings left over and I didn't want to have a fling just so I could get rid of them and just be able to be with you, okay?"  
        "That's . . . actually kinda sweet, Lex, but you should take them out. They're probably not that comfortable to sleep in."  
        Lex felt behind his ears and winced at the depressingly sharp studs the earrings were set on. "Maybe I shoulda thought about hoops," he mused, then sighed. "No point," he told himself dolefully. "Don't need 'em no more."  
        "Lex, are you aware your speech is regressing?"  
        Lex grinned. "I think it's because I'm suffering from Clark withdrawal," he announced. "So you should hurry up and kiss me before I die from the lack." He tried a winsome smile.  
        "Maybe you'd better sleep it off," Clark countered. And then he wrinkled his nose. "Besides, and please don't take offense, Lex, but you kinda . . . smell like alcohol."  
        Lex sniffed himself, but couldn't detect anything. "Alcohol is a smell-less thingy," he said.  
        "Uh-huh, right, and I'm not gay."  
        Lex looked up, alarmed. "You're not?!" he squeaked. "Then why did you kiss me?"  
        Clark rolled his eyes. "Dummy. That was in the way of sarcasm."  
        Oh. "I knew that."  
        Clark snickered. "Riiiiiight. So. Let's get you into bed."  
        He looked up at Clark coyly. "Why, Clark, I'm not that kind of girl!"  
        Clark snorted as he pulled Lex's shirt over his head and replied dryly, "I think you're _exactly_ that type of girl. Now get under the covers."  
        Lex obediently slid under the covers Clark had so kindly pulled back. "Will you sleep with me?"  
        Clark rolled his eyes. "I kinda think that kiss I gave you? Was a big indication that _yes_, I would like to sleep with you. But not right now because, honestly? You reek."  
        Okay, fair enough. "Will you come by tomorrow, then?" Lex asked meekly. "I could have a shower and then we could sleep together."  
        And then Clark was giving him that _other_ patented look, the one that said 'awwwww, you're so cute!' and was reserved for kittens and, apparently, drunk Lexes. He'd have to get drunk more often, then. _Not_ a problem, he'd do anything for his friends. And more than that for Clark. "You may be feeling a little . . . delicate tomorrow," Clark temporised.  
        Lex's face fell. "You don't want to sleep with me?"  
        "No, no, that's not it!" Clark said hastily. "It's, um, just, you had a lot to drink tonight! And you might, you know, have a hangover tomorrow! I want to sleep with you, really, I do!"  
        And just like that, Lex was happy again. He docilely let Clark pull the covers a bit higher over him and tuck them in gently. "You'll be here tomorrow?" he asked, letting his eyes droop closed. He heard Clark's affirmative hum. "You promise?"  
        "I promise."  
        "And then you'll kiss me and I'll kiss you and we'll finally have sex?"  
        The sound of Clark choking seemed far, far away. "If you feel like it."  
        Lex wanted to tell Clark that he'd have to be half-dead and a eunuch to boot not too feel like it. And he wasn't too sure about the eunuch thing, either. After all, there had to be _some_ fun he could have . . . .

***

  
        The inhumanely soft knock on his office door drew him out of his none-too-engrossing work. "Come in," he said, grinning when Clark made a show of tiptoeing in. "I won't break, you know," he added pointedly when Clark made an effort to close the door quietly.  
        "I thought I was just being, you know, nice," Clark said, just a trifle too innocently.  
        Lex raised an eyebrow. "And how, exactly, are you being nice?" he asked, leaning back in his chair.  
        Clark shrugged. "I thought you might, y'know, have sort of a hangover this morning. I mean," he said, warming up, "you _did_ drink a lot last night." He started looking a bit hurt when Lex chuckled. "Well, excuse me for trying to be nice!"  
        Lex held up a hand. "I'm sorry, Clark, it's just . . . I don't _get_ hangovers. Ever. Please tell me that's why not you didn't want to climb into bed with me last night."  
        Clark looked a little embarrassed. "You _can_ be kinda cranky," he mumbled. "And you _were_ drunk. I didn't want to assume anything."  
        "Clark, two days ago, when you kissed me, did I do anything to make you think you had to _assume_ anything? I thought my whole-hearted participation kind of pointed more to the 'yes, God, _please_' thing than the 'I'm totally not gay even though this guy I've been lusting over for _years_ is kissing me' thing."  
        And then Clark started looking more upset than hurt. "Then why were you drunk when I came over last night?" he accused.  
        Lex looked blank for a long moment before a smile appeared on his face. "Clark, I was _celebrating_. I wasn't trying to make myself forgot or giving myself some Dutch courage or anything but being really, really happy you had kissed me."  
        "Oh. Uh. Oh." A stymied Clark was a thing of beauty. "So, uh, sleep well?"  
        Lex lowered his eyes. "Could've been better," he said coyly. He glanced up to see Clark turn interesting shades of red and sputtered out a laugh. "Jesus, Clark! _Just_ sleep!"  
        The flush didn't seem to be dissipating. "Well, excuse me, Mr Innuendo, for thinking you meant something else when you invited me to _sleep_ with you last night!"  
        Lex laughed outright at this. "Clark," he said, "I tend to get rather straightforward when I'm drunk. If I invited you to sleep with me, then I meant _just_ to sleep. If I'd meant what _you_ think I meant, I would've said it in _much_ plainer terms."  
        Clark recovered valiantly. "And what was up with all those different words, huh? Didn't know what you wanted to say?"  
        Lex stood up and employed everything he had learned in the clubs of Metropolis to keep Clark standing where he was as Lex moved towards him. Well, maybe no _everything_, but he hardly wanted to send Clark screaming from him. Baby steps, he had to remember to use baby steps. So instead of licking a line across Clark's jaw while he circled him, Lex just kept very, very close. Close enough to note—with pleasure—when Clark swallowed. "I have a bit of trouble remembering the right words," he breathed into Clark's ear, cataloguing the convulsive shiver that brought. "You wouldn't . . . say anything about it. Would you?"  
        Clark was still staring straight ahead when he nodded. Lex draped his arms over Clark's shoulders and pressed up to his back. "Good. Such a good boy should get a reward. If you come up to my bedroom, I'm sure I'll be able to find something for you." Uh, baby steps! Right! Well, a blowjob, that was kind of a baby step, right? Of course it was! Or maybe a handjob would be less, er, more of a baby step? Damn, maybe he should've paid more attention to those chick flicks he had rented for Clark's education, back when he'd still been a boy and mooning over _girls_. He was sure they'd had something about the steps. Bases?  
        "To sleep?" Clark managed to say, a ghost of his snark coming back as Lex used those arms over his shoulder to turn the brunet around.  
        Lex laughed. "Maybe. If you keep on being good." 


End file.
